UCLA Journal of Radiation Oncology_SS 2025_FOR PRINT - Flipbook - Page 12
UCLA RADIATION ONCOLOGY JOURNAL
As was true of the sultan in this issue’s feature poem,
Belonging, in general, is di昀케cult enough for many to feel without
“Scheherazade,” by Richard Siken, we are all seeking stories, and
seeking “the one.” Dr. Laurie Santos speaks often of “the liking
gap,” or how we trick ourselves into believing that people like us
what a treat it is when we 昀椀nd one we relate to and are able to
less than they do. This self-imposed bias can lead to social isolation
share our own in response. Deming did quite a few readings to
and missed opportunities for building meaningful relationships.
But sometimes “the liking gap” isn’t what leads to a sense of not
promote This Exquisite Loneliness, and he shares that a woman
belonging. Deming uses the term “anti-mattering,” the feeling that
came up to him after a reading during which he’d read a segment
you quite literally do not exist to others. He says that although “the
from the book about when he’d been so lonely as a young man
liking gap” and “anti-mattering” could be connected, “You can walk
living near Boston, he would walk the streets to ask people the
through a room and think everybody doesn’t like you. And that’s
time—that simple interaction a昀케rming his continued existence—or
a painful feeling. I think it’s a di昀昀erent feeling to walk through a
he would phone random numbers and ask for “Paul” merely to have
room and think ‘I am invisible.’”
another person respond to his voice. The woman who approached
Since the pandemic, many continue to interact with their devices
rather than others physically near them, even when out in public
him post-reading was about his age, and had also lived outside
such as co昀昀eeshops. It’s a strange spectacle for those of us who
of Boston. She told him how she used to phone the number that
unplug from our phones when out. Deming shares, “I think that
would give you the weather. “And then there would be a minute
there has been a sort of seismic shift into a really pervasive sense
of FOMO [fear of missing out] as a very real phenomenon, and
while it updated. In that minute she would talk. And then the
that people’s fear of missing out on things is tied to that sense of
recording would come on and would give the updated weather,
that they don’t matter.” We talk about social media’s role in this,
and she said it would give her the sort of fantasy of a conversation
how, as he aptly puts it, “You see these curated experiences in
because she could talk, and this thing would talk back at her, even
which you are not there; you are not present to them. And all this
though there was no connection, even though it was completely
fun and exciting stu昀昀 is happening in your absence.” That lack
of connection to the exciting thing happening is very present in
recorded. And in that second, I was like oh, that was a good idea.
viewers’ minds, and so if when watching something happen and
I wish I had thought of that.” Deming goes on to use this as an
you know the people involved, it can very much have “the liking
example of how the things we do “in the pain of loneliness are often
gap” e昀昀ect, and whether you know the people involved or not, it
very similar to things that other people do as well.”
can also cause “anti-mattering.”
In the book, Deming notes how there is a simple space between
Further, there is the question of relevant attributes to connections
made, because “the liking gap” also doesn’t account for the desire
“belonging” and “be longing.” To be longing for something may
to connect with those you relate to, those who might relate to you.
seem ludicrous with anything and everything at our 昀椀ngertips
What if, as was true of Zora Neale Hurston, you feel di昀昀erent?
to order and have delivered to our doorsteps, yet we continue to
What if you feel other? In This Exquisite Loneliness, Deming
long for connection. As Deming writes in his book, “For Klein,
recounts the tale of young Hurston believing the moon followed
we begin to fragment as soon as we see ourselves as separate from
or didn’t follow her. When challenged by a classmate, they raced in
our mothers,” and he goes on to say that the state of recognizing
opposite directions to see which the moon would follow. Although
ourselves as singular leads to “the commensurate longing to
Hurston did not “win” the race, it was a turning point for her in
get back to the paradise of being indistinguishably connected
recognizing that she was not like the other children, not because
to another person, a paradise that never really existed, even in
the moon follows her, but because she has visions, that she believes
memory.” Objectively, it is easy to see how the fairytale notion of
in these visions, and she will listen to and follow them, despite
becoming whole, ful昀椀lled, and forever happy and content once
recognizing them as both blessing and curse. Feeling other in the
we meet that one person is not only unrealistic, but is dangerous
arts doesn’t mean you want to hang out with just any artist, which
in that it can lead to isolation by developing unrealistic and
is a statement that might be paralleled in any 昀椀eld. Deming says,
unhealthy attachment styles, and diminish our ability to belong to
“If you feel like you are somehow separate or other or not wholly
a community.
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